What Is Shame? Understanding the Hidden Force That Shapes Our Lives
Image Credit: Allison Saeng
“Shame on you”
Shame is one of those words that makes most of us wince. We don’t like talking about it, we don’t like admitting it, and yet it shapes so much of how we see ourselves.
If you’ve ever thought “I’m not enough… I don’t belong… people would turn away if they really knew me,” then you’ve felt shame at work.
Unlike guilt, which says “I did something bad,” shame says “I am bad.” It moves beneath the surface, often without us even noticing, but the weight it carries can touch everything from our relationships to our ability to rest at night.
What Shame Really Is (and Isn’t)
Brené Brown, a researcher who has spent decades studying shame, defines it as “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.”
It’s different from guilt. Guilt is tied to behaviour (“I shouldn’t have snapped at my partner”).
Shame is tied to identity (“I’m a terrible partner. I always mess things up”).
This difference matters because shame doesn’t push us towards growth, it pushes us into hiding.
Image Credit: Luke Thornto
How Shame Shows Up Everyday
Shame doesn’t have to only appear in dramatic, obvious ways. It can often look like:
Replaying awkward conversations late at night.
Feeling “lazy” or “weak” when you’re actually exhausted or overwhelmed.
Struggling to accept compliments.
Avoiding intimacy because you’re convinced people will see the “real you.”
One client, whom I’ll call Sian (for confidential reasons), once described it like this: she felt like no matter what she did, she was never enough as a partner, as a mother, or even as a friend. She found herself in a cycle of relationships where she was repeatedly criticised or belittled, and each time, it confirmed her belief that she wasn’t worthy of being loved with kindness.
Her story isn’t unusual.
Shame feeds on silence and secrecy, and in doing so, it convinces us that we’re alone.
Why Shame Is So Powerful
From an evolutionary perspective, shame is tied to survival.
Being excluded from the group thousands of years ago meant real danger, so our brains learned to scan for threats (see my blog on hypervigilance) to belonging and the inner voice of shame became a way of keeping us in line.
But in modern life, that survival mechanism often goes too far.
Instead of keeping us safe, shame can keep us small. It convinces us not to speak up at work, not to set boundaries in relationships and not to pursue the things we care about.
Shame in the Body
Shame isn’t just a thought, it’s an experience that can live in the body. People often describe:
Tension in the chest or gut.
Wanting to curl in or make themselves smaller.
Hot flushes.
Numbness or shutdown.
Because of how ingrained the shame network is within the body is why shame can’t simply be argued away with logic.
It needs to be worked with differently, in ways that include the body, mind, and emotions together.
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The Link Between Shame and Other Struggles
Shame rarely exists in isolation. It often sits underneath:
Anxiety (“I’m failing if I can’t cope”).
Depression (“Nothing I do matters because I don’t matter”).
Burnout (“If I stop, I’ll finally be exposed as not good enough”).
Overthinking (“If I can just figure out the perfect way, I won’t feel so flawed”).
That’s why when people come to therapy for these struggles, shame often surfaces as the deeper wound.
3 First Steps to Soften Shame
Healing shame is possible, but it rarely happens alone.
Still, here are three first steps you can begin right now:
When you hear the voice of “I’m not enough,” try simply noticing it: “Oh, that’s shame speaking.” Naming creates space.
Reach for connection. Shame thrives in silence. Sharing your struggle with someone safe (a trusted friend, a therapist) can loosen its grip. This can be difficult to achieve as you’ll likely need someone who you trust no matter what. I’m not discounting the value of going out for a coffee with a friend, but the expressive look of some judgement can rupture your willingness to do something like that again in the future if it doesn’t go down well the first time.
Practice self-compassion in micro-moments. When you catch yourself spiralling, try adding the word “and”: “I messed up, and I’m still human. I forgot, and I’m learning.” Small language adjustments chip away at shame’s power.
These steps aren’t quick fixes, but they’re subtle doorways out of shame’s way of working.
Image Credit: Getty Images
An Invitation
Shame tells us we’re alone, but the truth is everyone struggles with it in some form and it doesn’t have to keep running your life.
If you’re ready to explore how shame has shaped your story and how to step into a kinder, freer relationship with yourself, therapy can be the place to begin.
I’ve made this journey and I can help guide you through the storms.
I offer both online therapy and in-person sessions in Dorset, so whether you’re nearby or further afield, support is available.
This is an new and ongoing blog series on “Shame” so keep an eye out on this section of “you may also like…”
References
Brown, B. (2007). I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn't): Making the Journey from "What Will People Think?" to "I Am Enough": Telling the Truth About Perfectionism, Inadequacy and Power. Penguin.
Foster, B. (2025b). Why Can’t I Relax? Uncovering Hypervigilance and How to Feel Safe. Ben Foster Therapy. Available at: https://www.benfostertherapy.com/blogs/why-cant-i-relax. [Accessed: 25 August 2025].
Lupis, S. B., Sabik, N. J., & Wolf, J. M. (2016). Role of shame and body esteem in cortisol stress responses. Journal of Behavioural Medicine. 39(2), pp. 262-75.
Piretti, L., Pappaianni, E., Garbin, C., Rumiati, R., Job, R., & Grecucci, A. (2023). The Neural Signatures of Shame, Embarrassment, and Guilt: A Voxel-Based Meta-Analysis on Functional Neuroimaging Studies. Brain Sciences. 13(559).